- If Daniel Johnston and Wesley Willis had retard ass sex and made a little mocha special needs baby that listened to nothing but Brian Eno and Pere Ubu while in utero, well, gentlemen, youâve just described the now sound of The Arcade Fire.
- Itâs like Elliot Smith killed himself with a dagger made from Nick Drakeâs frozen semen and Mark E. Smith fingerpainted on the kitchen linoleum with the warm arterial ooze and spelled out âwhen will My Bloody Valentine release a new record?
- When Mission of Burma and Gang of Four rumbled for turf rights in the parking lot the Agora Ballroom, the only one left standing was a traveling cock ring salesman named Kurt Loder.
- It's like Morrissey cut off his penis once and for all, and that little penis flap sprouted a whole new Morrissey, one which was raised in Mexico City by a family of salsa dancers who ate a lot of meat.
- It's like watching the MC5 pull a train on JonBenet Ramsey.
- It's like Led Zeppelin fucking Tori Amos with a mud shark.
- It's like the Village People had a baby with Lemmy and taught it to smoke meth.
- It's as if Susanna Hoff from the Bangles ate herself heavy and is currently bucking away like a heaving, sweaty pudding on top of you, angrily waiting for you to gasp the right note.
- If cocks made noise when sucked, there might be a logical explanation for Nine Inch Nail's cathartic, leatherclad wang-wrangle at the Clothing Optional Center for Homeless Teens in Ann Arbor last night.
- If you can imagine Kylie Minogue's breast cancer joining Neutral Milk Hotel and firing the drummer for "creative differences," you'll have a good idea of what's behind The Bong Twins' success.
- It's as if the Supremes burst into the cockpit during James Brown Airlines Flight 666, cut the throat of pilot Pete Townshend, then aimed the aircraft straight for Sun Records, killing everyone aboard except for a baby who grew up to be Steve Albini.
- It's like instead of heroin Kurdt Cobain shot up with steroids and became a very muscular pantywaist with explosive personality disorder and wicked back acne that was irritated by his tight cardigan and undersized Transvision Vamp t-shirt.
- It's like Ryan Adams and Connor Oberst got in a slap fight over the attentions of geography teacher Mr. Wayne Coyne at a chess club meeting and oh shit, here comes that asshole jock Cobain and he gives them Atomic Wedgies and calls them "faggots."
- It's like hearing David Hasselhoff fart into your eyes.
- It's like watching Buddy Holly audition for a Pet Shop Boys Tribute band.
- It's like listening to Peter Tork wheeze to death on a tiny plastic Edith Piaf doll.
- It's like The Sixteen; Harry Christophers was The Twenty-Six; Abe Vigoda playing ass metal for deaf kids.
- They're the Hawkwind of Crunk.
- Makes other fartjazz seem like total bullshit.
- It's like Genisis meets The Nuge, but they get drunk, decide to "experiment", stop blowing each other halfway through and both walk away nauseous and ashamed.
- Great band if you like oatmeal.
- It's like trying to find the toilet at an Interpol show and stumbling upon Billy Idol making out with Britney Spears, mumbling the words to "White Wedding" into her open mouth.
- It's like later finding a pantsless, unconscious Billy Idol being serially sodomized by the full line-up of Oingo Boingo, circa 1987.
- It's like witnessing William Shatner sob into an open mic halfway through a Stray Cats show in Toronto.
- It's like The Swans striking up a conversation with Iggy Pop at traffic school, and neither party realizing the instructor is Daler Mehndi's older brother.
- It's like feeling your wallet being lifted at Phish show, and just before you whip around and start stabbing, you realize The Doobie Brothers were hired as security and they're about to tackle the light-fingered thirteen year old urchin responsible.
- It's like Elton John accidentally fucking Debbie Gibson in the mouth backstage at a Ramone's show during a blackout one sweltering August night.
- It's like Donny Osmond fisting a ghost in a Volkswagen factory.
- It's like Hervé Villachez vomiting into an oboe under the stage at a Pixies show.
- It's like Elvis meets Bono at a gay wedding in the Hamptons.
- It's like Uncle Tupelo gouging the eyes out of dead men at a plague-ridden Slovak wedding.
- It's like the members of Wilco going back in time to smoke pencil shavings with a prepubescent Marilyn Manson.
- It's like Bob Mould deejaying a Bar Mitzvah at some jazz club in Downtown Hell.
- It's like the Beatles being eaten in mid-concert by a gang of autistic rappers.
i don't know if people actually find this funny, but i'm spewing coffee and crying with laughter thinking about a review like one of those! GOLD!